Just to clarify, my impression, which may be wrong, is that you and I tend to think differently about whether omission or openness is the most ethical route in fraught situations. Based on things you’ve said about this in the past. Exactly the degree of the difference, I’m not sure. I think we probably start from the same premises. And there are probably cases where we agree. So it is somewhere in between.

I find the security of knowing that you’re not flying blind, in practice, vastly outweighs the theoretical bliss of selective ignorance.

But mostly, human nature being what it is, I deeply distrust the presumption that, exactly at the moment when it’s most emotionally significant, I can know better than another person what information that person should be permitted to have. Even assuming I somehow could pull off deception perfectly. I mean, really? It may be well-intentioned, but it sounds like a policy very vulnerable to corruption. Certainly, I distrust the presumption that another person would in a billion years know better than I do what information I should be permitted to have. I guess the oneliner would be: denying another person agency is an extreme act that requires extreme justification.

Of course, if somebody explicitly requests not to know something, or not to know a whole class of somethings, then it’s not theft.

Then there’s the fact that it’s not actually possible to deceive perfectly. The result of trying, especially when it comes to big stuff, is a family of elephants in the room, and that special vibe two people have when there’s a ton of unsaid stuff filling the ever-growing space between them. IME.

But I also think it may depend on the person. Some people do take an ignorance is bliss approach, and maybe it works for them. I don’t have any idea how, but maybe it does. In my particular case, I’ve always found that mysteries are negative in a way that reality can never match. When Emily hooks up with a guy, I have in the past preferred to know:
– did she enjoy it
– his personality
etc.

And similarly, when I was in a monogamous relationship, I would much have preferred if my SO had been comfortable acknowledging other peoples’ attractiveness than pretending to be asexual “for my benefit.”

I see in theory why secrecy is kind, but in practice I’m suspicious of it, and particularly so when it comes to romantic relationships.

This time next month I will be in Australia with my husband for our 25^th wedding anniversary. We decided to go there because we never travel and both have always wanted to visit the land down under. We are going to be there for a full week and have a lot of fun stuff planned. One thing we are doing is taking a tour of the Great Ocean Road, which I can’t wait for. My husband is also going to do some deep sea fishing. I told him I’ll let him go and do that by himself and I’ll go and do some shopping by myself. He agreed on all counts on that since like most men he doesn’t care much for shopping. It is that kind of compromise that is why we are still together after all these years.

5 years ago for our 20^th we went to Chicago which was nice. My husband actually used to work there years ago so it was sort of like a homecoming for him. We stayed downtown and hit up all the tourist spots including the Navy Pier. I of course did my fair amount of shopping one day while he went to the horse track. He wanted me to go with him but I don’t see the point of betting on horses running around a circle. I’m the same way with racecar driving which he is also a fan of. I know every year that the Daytona 500 is a day that I can’t make any plans. He usually barbeques and invites a bunch of his friends over to watch the race.

I told him that for our 30^th I want to go to Europe. I figure that would be a good time to go because after that we might not be able to get around too well. I don’t want to say how old I am (what woman does?) but in 10 years I’m not going to be s spring chicken anymore. I think some people would say I’m not now but that’s debatable. I know that I run circles around the women I work with and most if not all of them are years younger than me. They gave me a nickname at work which I think is funny. They call me the Energizer Bunny. They don’t know about the pot of coffee that I drink before I come into work and I’m going to keep it that way, ha.